What’s in a Name?

Do you have to take your spouse’s name when you get married? Should you hyphenate? Could a husband take his wife’s name? What should LGBTQ+ couples do regarding their last names?

Traditionally, for cis-hetero couples at least, the wife is expected to take her new husband’s last name once they are married.

But in this post-modern world of ultra-feminist ideals, are women still willing to accept this tradition?

A recent poll indicated that almost 80% of women in the United States take their husband’s name after marriage. Meaning that 1 in 5 women are opting to do something different.

As a young professional, with multiple degrees, post-graduate qualifications, presentations and publications in my maiden name, as well as over a decade of networking and establishing a professional reputation for myself, it did feel very much as though I would be going back to square one if I chose to take my husband’s name.

My name had been my own personal identifier for decades. I had serious reservations about changing it.

I was surprised that I felt this way, as I had been the driving force behind our choice to get married at all. We had been together for many years. We co-owned our dream home, which in many respects legally tied us together far more tightly than marriage vows. But I had a yearning to make that formal commitment, to become husband and wife rather than “partners”.

I considered marriage as a joint venture between equals, a way for us to continue to grow together, a means of symbolising that we are a well-matched team. The tradition of a wife taking her husband’s name seemed to be at odds with my vision.

Where did the tradition begin for women to change their surname?

The precedent for a wife taking her husband’s name is not universal around the world; it is a western tradition that has its roots in Christian scripture. Mark (10:8) says “the two shall become one flesh, so they are no longer two but one flesh.” While this does not refer specifically to names, many interpret this verse as the couple uniting with the husband being the head of the household, and the wife deferring to her husband.

But this tradition is not ubiquitous even among western countries. Several countries in Europe, such as France, Belgium and the Netherlands, require by law that neither husband nor wife change their names after marriage. Other European countries such as Spain and Portugal do not have any legal precedent, but women generally follow tradition and keep their maiden names, sometimes tacking on their husband’s name colloquially.

Reasons for a wife to change her name

1) Togetherness – The decision to legally bind yourself to another human being for life is a big one. Couples entering into marriage for the right reasons have hopefully decided that they are well-matched and aligned on all the important things. Getting married and having the same name symbolises the unity and strength of the relationship.

2) Children – If the couple hope to have children in the future, or perhaps they have children already, sharing the same surname creates firm foundations for the family and wards off any speculation about which name the children will take.

3) Societal expectation – While conforming with societal norms should not be the only reason (for doing anything!) it is sometimes easier to walk the path that is already well trodden.

4) Identity – Assuming their new husband’s name allows a fresh start at the beginning of married life. Many women will embrace taking on a new identity as a wife.

Reasons against a name change

1) Paperwork – There is no getting around the fact that updating your name with everyone who holds your personal details is incredibly time consuming. Your work, your bank, your GP surgery, your dentist, driving licence, passport, utility companies, any professional subscriptions and organisations, insurance companies, online shops, loyalty cards, the list goes on and on. Some of these organisations will accept a phone call or email request to update your details, others will demand to see you in person with your marriage certificate.

2) Identity – Yes, this can be a pro or a con (or both!). Many couples are choosing to wait to get married, allowing women much longer to establish their own professional and personal identities under their maiden names prior to marriage. The idea of taking their husband’s surname can feel like letting go of this sense of self as an independent individual. Some may even go so far as to say that women are surrendering their autonomy by merging their identity with their husband’s, when they decide to change their name.

3) Professional accomplishments – In line with the above point, women who have invested time and effort to build their careers, often achieving multiple qualifications and building a reputation in their maiden name, may fear that all their efforts may have been wasted or their career may suffer if they decide to change their name.

My decision

I initially planned to keep my last name; I did not feel that either of us needed to change our names to prove our commitment to each other.

Then our baby was born and given my husband’s surname. And my feelings changed dramatically. I wanted us all to be united with the same name, to be a cohesive family unit. Suddenly all my concerns about giving up my own identity changed.

I suspect there were many reasons behind this. My husband and I had been together for many years before we were married, so the shift from committed long-term partners to husband and wife was an easy transition. While I was over the moon that we were married at last, I did not feel any big identity shift within myself, and so I did not feel the need to change my name to represent a change in identity.

The shift from married couple to parents, from a family of two to a family of three, was a much greater change! Becoming a mother completely changed my priorities and my own sense of self, my whole purpose in life. I felt as though I had let go of my old identity without even realising as soon as my little one was placed in my arms.

I immediately knew that I belonged to this little person, and that my little family was my first and only priority. Any former reasons for keeping my maiden name faded into insignificance. And so I decided to take my husband’s name after all. The arduous task of changing my name with a long list of organisations was entirely worth it.

Ultimately, this decision is a very personal one. Every couple, and each individual within a couple, will have their own unique reasons for deciding whether they keep their own surnames, both assume the husband’s or wife’s surname, hyphenate or make up a new surname to share.

I would love to hear what you have decided to do with your last name. Please leave me a comment!