Misguided Opinions, Unsolicited Advice and Setting Boundaries: Reflections of a Pregnant Healthcare Professional

Are you expecting a little one? Congratulations! This joyful time also has its challenges which can be difficult to navigate. From unsolicited advice to invading personal space, I have experienced it all during this pregnancy. As a society, I believe we must urgently address the way pregnant people are spoken to and treated.

Finding Out

It was there in black and white, with 99% certainty. I was pregnant! I could not believe how lucky we had been. We had been married only six weeks. Both in our mid-30s, we knew that the odds of conceiving quickly were against us. So we had just agreed to stop trying not to get pregnant after the wedding.

Our honeymoon was a 600-mile cycle tour on our tandem bicycle. Clearly all the fresh air and exercise did us the world of good!

As a healthcare professional with intimate knowledge of the physiology of conception and pregnancy, I was already in awe of what my body achieved. It was hard at work without any conscious thought or even awareness on my part. I rushed to tell my husband, clutching the positive tests. His initial shock was soon replaced by excitement. We agreed to keep our precious news quiet until after the first scan, so that we could bask in our undiluted joy for a few weeks.

That was, without doubt, the wisest decision we could have made.

We attended our dating scan bursting with excitement and were overjoyed to see our tiny baby waving to us through the screen. We returned home with photos of our wee bundle and started announcing our happy news to our closest family and friends. Over the coming days and weeks, word of our pregnancy gradually spread to work colleagues, neighbours, and wider circles of friends.

Unsolicited Advice and Misguided Opinions

I was stunned by some of the reactions to our news. Most offered their congratulations at first. But many then immediately leapt into a stream of unsolicited advice, much of it negative, and little based on any scientific evidence or indeed anything more than their own anecdotal experience.

We received so many conflicting opinions about: what I should or should not be eating; what kind of exercise I should or should not being doing; how much rest I needed; when to finish work for maternity leave and when to return; new-born care; how to feed the baby; how to divide the responsibilities between myself and my husband; and so many other aspects of pregnancy, birth and child rearing. Our heads were spinning. Everyone we spoke to seemed to believe that “their way” was the right and only way to do things. Only a handful of close friends, who have recently had children themselves, held back from passing on their thoughts and the details of their own experience unless we had specifically asked for it.

At first, I was completely at a loss for how to manage these situations. Even if I could get a word in edgeways during these verbal assaults, how could I politely explain that, as a well-informed healthcare professional with a trusted team caring for me, I really did not want or need any one else’s advice or opinions?

And if I struggled with setting boundaries about this, despite all the communication skills training I have undertaken during my career so far, how would most women fare in these situations?

Information Overload and Setting Boundaries

I recognise that I am in a privileged position on account of my medical background. I am very familiar with the evidence and guidelines for managing a multitude of pregnancy-related symptoms, and my job involves the care of pregnant women, new mums, and their babies. This knowledge and experience enabled me to sort the wheat from the chaff (mostly the latter) in the advice that I was being given.

But I could see how less-well informed women could quickly become overwhelmed by the volume of material directed at them. Especially when one factors in the influence of social media, in addition to reputable sources of information. Somehow, expectant parents are supposed to navigate their way through all of this, in order to make informed choices for themselves and their babies.

This initial onslaught occurred before we had even disclosed any of our ideas regarding our child’s upbringing. Respect for the environment and minimising harm to nature, other humans and animals are key values that my husband and I live by. So, our little one is likely going to have a slightly unconventional upbringing with relatively minimal “baby gear,” opting for second-hand items wherever possible. Again, everyone seemed to think they had a right to voice their, mostly negative, opinions on this!

By far the most challenging aspect of this for me is the fact that all of these people were in our position not that long ago, trying to make the best decisions for them and their family amidst the vast quantities of information of variable quality and reliability. Surely they, too, felt overwhelmed by this? Surely they would not wish to put other new parents in that position?

Touching the Bump

As if the information overload was not enough, it seemed that a lot of people lost any respect for social boundaries or basic common courtesy when they realised that I was pregnant. People I did not even know or was barely acquainted with were unable to control their hands; they just had to touch my bump! Even if we were not still in the thick of a pandemic, I generally operate on the assumption that touching other people without their consent is not acceptable.

Those who could keep their hands to themselves just had to tell me their guess as to the gender of my baby. We have decided to keep the gender a surprise, and we are both trying to keep a very open mind, so the presumption that we would want to hear other people’s speculations on this was also rather shocking.

I hear that the public’s behaviour does not improve after the baby arrives. I am told that the need to share advice and opinions, solicited or otherwise, continues. Arguably, bestowing negative ideas on new, sleep-deprived parents without full knowledge of their situation is perhaps even more poisonous and damaging than doing so during pregnancy. And the uncontrollable desire to touch new babies with immature immune systems potentially even more dangerous. 

Looking back now as I approach my due date, despite feeling that I have constantly needed to fend off other people’s ideas on how I should be doing things, I have loved every moment of being pregnant. I am grateful that I have stayed very well and active throughout. I also feel very fortunate to have a strong foundation of knowledge and experience, which I have built upon with hours of research. This has given me clear conviction in the decisions my husband and I have made during my pregnancy, for my birth plan and how we intend to raise our child. I know that I do not have to justify myself or my decisions to others. But not all pregnant women, expectant or new parents are in this position.

Time for Change

Society must urgently re-evaluate its treatment of expectant and new parents. People need to think carefully before giving unsolicited advice, opinions, or predictions. You may mean well, but even well-intentioned words can be incredibly harmful at this fragile and overwhelming time.

Really, I think it all boils down to being kind and considerate, with a heavy dose of self-awareness. Whilst you may have been an expert in what worked for you and your family, your values, priorities, and personal circumstances are unlikely to line up exactly with those of others. It is not right to assume that your decisions are applicable to anyone else. So, unless you have been invited to share, it is best to keep your thoughts, and your hands, to yourself.